Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
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