Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
