I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
Randomize
