i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Did you pee in the oven last night??
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
