Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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