I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Randomize
