i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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