I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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