fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
I see more hoeing in ur future
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