My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
Randomize
