I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
Randomize