i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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