My new storm is the chrons
The only reason I needed a new one is bc I threw up on my other one(248): And since Verizon doesn't have a throw up test, I was eligible for a new one
is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
