I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
Randomize
