it's too hot outside to masturbate.
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
