we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
Randomize
