i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Randomize
