Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
Randomize
