please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Randomize
