I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
