I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
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