She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Randomize
