I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
