If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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