Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize
