I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
last night I used snow as a chaser
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
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