at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
He keeps bees of course he's weird
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
Randomize
