That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
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