So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
home. puking in laundry basket.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
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