You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize