Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
this must be what syphilis tastes like
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
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