My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Randomize
