I think im going to throw up on grandma
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
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