Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
I did not marry a roomba.
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