i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
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