apparently the secret to your success is patron
No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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