My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Randomize
