My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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