I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
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