What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
I looked at my own cervix.
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
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