Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
Randomize
