I think I won the penis lottery.
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
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