Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
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