I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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