He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
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