are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
Randomize
