3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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