i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
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