I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
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