Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
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