He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Randomize
