the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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