If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
Randomize
