My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Randomize