I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
