i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
