Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
We smell like vodka and hangover
Randomize
