i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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