i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
Randomize
