I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
Randomize
