I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
So apparently I’m into choking now
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
